setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
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Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.