One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
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[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My boss called in sick of me
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.