If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.