Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
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“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?