Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
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For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN