Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
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[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
cyclists
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*