dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.