Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
This pepper has seen some shit
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.