“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
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*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
How software testing works
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”