Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Genius idea!!
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Basketball
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Tony Hawk, age 6
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to