Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
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I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
kids play hide and seek like
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.