10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
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I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’