Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
men, we mow at sunrise.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”