Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.