Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
You Might Also Like
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
My friend is an excellent librarian.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.