Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
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Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.