(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
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“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO