How long do you have to wait between naps?
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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”