[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
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watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
#parenting
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd