maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
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Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.