[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
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My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.