If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
You Might Also Like
The funk soul brother
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.