I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I think this should do it.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.