Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
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I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.