Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?