I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle