Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
You Might Also Like
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”