One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
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Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car