Traveler’s camo
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Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Lube but for my dry humor.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Breaking news:
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.