*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
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I’m ready for Halloween this year
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!