He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
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my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?