Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Sunday
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”