[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
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[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.