Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Logged into Facebook.
βHappiness is like a butterflyβ¦.β
Logged out of Facebook.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
God: Okay⦠How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: β¦punchβ¦ squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about βstealβ?
God: People steal squirrels?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
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How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
To combat the sibling rivalry thatβs been occurring at home, weβve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially theyβre just taking it outside.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you