I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
You Might Also Like
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.