her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
best first i’ve ever seen
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.