Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
OH. COME. ON.
jesus, what did this guy do
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point