As the best book lists of 2021 drop
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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
💁🏻♂️
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…