covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
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KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Employees must applaud the planets.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Yoga Matt
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.