I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
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i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?