wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
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You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this