Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE