On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
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People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I love twitter
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
A family that plays together cheats.