*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
You Might Also Like
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems