My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
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3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
is it earth
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.