I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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