Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
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[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I came this close!!!!
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.