“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
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me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
#SaturdayBears
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️