I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
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No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
#Caturday
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.