I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
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I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I like crazy people until they notice me
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
asking santa clause for nudes
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”